thinking about my life

I've been thinking about my life and wondering what the heck I'm doing in it. As much as I like helping people and as much as I like using my talent to help others, I haven't done much for myself. I know that helping others shouldn't be a thing I should stop. I like helping others, I just think that I should start helping myself. I just don't know how. I want so much to happen for myself and my friends, yet I can't help but feel selfish even thinking this way. Even a little bit. I have to admit the more I try to "help myself" the more things go coocoo for me. the more I do for others, the more my life gets easier. I also have to take note the more I acknowlage this the more my life gets complicated.
This universe is very big and I am feeling so very small. I also feel anything I truely want is so big that it is not possible for me to grasp. That is for other people to have and I am not good enough and I am not worthy of such nice things to happen for me. Maybe If I write about it maybe I could send it to the world and let them deside, or the "cyber gods" can deside, I hate being the leaf on the wind, and wish to be the wind just for once, and have that power to move the fog from the confussed minds of the world and let the sun shine on the paths of hopes and dreams so that everyone can have a clear path, including my own, so I don't have to feel like a person who has to grope threw the smokey consussion and know if I'm close to my dream or if I'm going to go off a cliff. Sigh, entill then I will continue with knitting for babys that need warmth & socks for my S.O.
and continue with the prayer that some how the fog will lift on its own, and I will be able to see things before I fall. Heres to hoping.