August 2021

 Soon my birthday will be here, next Monday, to be specific. I will be 43 years young. This year has had its trials and tribulations to be sure. The beginning of the year we were just so happy to survive another year, and Covid19 came into our house the spring of last year. It took almost three full months of my life to get my sense of taste and smell back. We were the lucky ones, no hospitalizations, which is a win in my book.  The beginning of this year I found myself blessed, we were going to have a baby.  for four wonderful weeks, we knew about our bundle of joy, we thought we were farther along, because the hormone levels said we were, we were so excited we did start telling people but not social media, because none of the usual tests made sense, except, we were expecting. The hormone levels started to drop, until we miscarried. Turns out we were having multiples, unlike the other times we found ourselves in this spot,  our hormones were working the way they were supposed to, until they didn't. We were devastated. There was a lot of blessings in disguise, I have PCOS, I was 310 pounds, Pre diabetic, and had high blood pressure. Before the discovery of the pregnancy, I was gearing myself up to do better for myself, to drastically change my diet and my physical activity habits. (from nothing to something) I had no idea when I started to plan this of my currant health status, I just knew I was fat, and felt like crap all the time. So I started by getting on my stationary bike, working until I got tired. In the beginning I was tired pretty quickly, but my time was longer and longer a little everyday. I also started Intermittent Fasting and started to journal my food and started cutting my carbs after the first week of journaling, the decided to cut them again every week after that, until I hit ketosis. I was actually doing something I didn't think possible, I started to lose weight. and feel good. In the past I never lost more then fifteen pounds, I wouldn't lose more then that, no matter how hard I tried, and feeling good, wasn't an option. I have figured out food sensitivities, it did help to have a list of foods that were for the most part toxic to my body and made it almost impossible for me to lose weight, or feel good. I also found supplements that helped with balance my hormones. I had started Ginger the year before which made me have a regular moon cycle, which was a new thing for me, which led to the pregnancy that actually made my hormones do the things they were supposed to do.  My goal wasn't to get pregnant again, my goal was to get stronger, and healthier, and dare I say, not morbidly obese anymore. I had no delusions of being thin, I have not been below a size 12, since I was in high school. I joined a gym and started working out two to three days a week. I finally got to 270, also my A1C was in the normal range again, and my blood pressure was normal again, I  was so thrilled. Then found out I was pregnant again.  Mean while my personal weight loss journey was doing amazing, I was losing friends.  A friend of mine who was pregnant at the same time was, started pulling away from me after I miscarried, soon she started making large life decisions that I expressed concerns about, trying to help. I let her know I may not agree with her choices, I was going to support her where ever I could. I was her friend, I cared very much for, she decided to unfriend and block me on all counts. I put that pain into the gym. I had a work out partner who had the goal of pregnancy, I was giving the best advice I would give, honestly, having PCOS and being infertile for over nineteen years you learn all the tricks except the ones that help yourself. She was thrilled to find out we were pregnant again,  because thought she was. I was so happy for her. I was still processing the trauma of the last few months and the losses of years past, I'm still processing them, She lost her baby soon after a she found out we were pregnant again. She decided, I wasn't her friend anymore. So this year I lost babies, two friends.  All surrounding pregnancy and loss.  I know there is a deeper story, lots to do with mental health, trauma healing, loss, grief, and some successes.  So I am now 17 weeks pregnant, praying to keep this kid where he is at the moment for the next 20 weeks, feeling like the two people I let into my life abandoned me, while a life grows inside of me womb. I don't blame them for leaving me. I know they are doing what they feel they need to do for their own mental health, and for their own well being.  I wish them the best. I am doing my best to do what's best for the new life I am bringing into the world.  Not sure what the point of this post is, other then to share what kind of crazy 2021 has become for me.  Since my goal was to lose weight has been side tracked a second time around this year, my goal is to not gain weight this pregnancy, and to keep my blood pressure down, and my blood sugar in the normal range. So far so good. Not one pound gained, and baby is growing.  So the goal is to knit as much as possible, for a baby due in January 2022.