MY complicated life...

 To make no mistake I did make my choices to be here, where I am. Although the consequences are not all what I was hoping for.  I did choose to stay in a relationship with a man who was dying, and I did choose to have his child, even though I didn't realize how much assistance he will be needing for the rest of his life, but they were and are worth it.  Eric died soon before our sons third birthday. As expected as it was, it was sudden and we honestly thought there would be more time, or at least a lengthy goodbye.  He was there, talking about planning a Halloween party, then all of a sudden he was cold and he had seizure, the ambulance came, they got him awake enough to say that we were his family, and he loved us, they took him on a stretcher, and he was gone by the time he was at the hospital.  We knew because of his Gaucher's disease he wasn't long for this world. He said by the time he was two he was diagnoses, and those people who are diagnosed at that age, don't tend to see three. When he was three and doing fine, they figured out there was two types of Gaucher's and the had the second type.  At the time there wasn't any treatment only maintenance. So When his spleen needed to be removed at the age of seven, they removed it.  It was seven pounds, it's usually seven ounces in the average person of eighty years. Anyway. I don't know what my point of writing about this, I guess it's just something I gotta get out of my head.  When we met I was nineteen years old, and in a relationship that was going nowhere. He was the kind of guy who lived an hour away, and was making up excuses why he couldn't come my direction, also didn't seem to want me really in his life, and was more interested in video games. No shade on that guy, he was a nice guy, just didn't work out, I don't think I was his type, and he was too nice to really be honest about it. We still talk from time to time. I think our neurodiverances clashed, lol.  I was finding myself being with Eric more and more then anyone else.  Eric was the type of guy who would get on a bus for half the day just to meet up halfway between our houses, which was ridiculous because he was forty-five minutes away, and it took him three hours to meet up with me.  lol. He said I was worth it. I told him he was crazy.

 I was struggling to keep the relationship open, because I didn't want to keep falling in relationships with guys. My first relationship was from fifteen years old, until he dumped me two weeks before my eighteenth birthday. I decided to get a job at the Ren fair of MN, and do the thing that boyfriend told me not to do and that was work out there. I roller skated, I got a second job, I was going into my last year of highschool, even though I was moving on, He would call. I admit against all better judgement, I answered. The relationship was healthy at first,but turned toxic, I was supportive, and helpful to him and his family, but then odd things would happen. He had issue with me doing anything. He didn't want me to work jobs that didn't match his schedual,  he didn't like me talking to other men, even at work, he would take me out and if I did something better then him (like bowling) we never did that together again.  He dumped me after a trip to Germany he had with his High school german teacher that summer. I was planning on going with him, but something odd happened, he declared I wouldn't appreciate the country because I didn't know the language, and didn't want me to go.  So I stayed.  Waiting for every phone call, being the good girl.  I did end up visiting an old friend of the family, just to keep myself busy. Which was fun.  

Life is complicated.

 I was texting a friend the other day about the MN Ren Fest starting up soon, and they were mentioning how they were, " so over it, and they were happy that I still find joy in going." where my response was, " I don't get to go." The conversation was kinda left there hanging in the air like not quite clean underwear, left on the line on a hot summer day.  To be clear, I was a festie, I loved being out there in the heat, in the mud, in the rain, I wanted to camp there, but I lived to close, I slept in my car in the parking lot, which wasn't the safest and against the rules, I didn't care, my first year I was a worker that started at the travelers booth, and was doing blooming onions the next week, then the Feast of Fantasy! Actually that was the year I met this friend I was texting. I was 18 and still had my last year in high school to finish. They had been a little older, we kept in contact for little while, then they kinda fell of the planet, I just wanted to finish high school, and follow the fest, like they were planning on doing.   The next year I was 19 years old and freshly graduated high school and I was working for the Jousters in the Sandlot. I was performing! I was getting people to laugh and to clap for my side of the jousting ring, I was on stage! I felt I found myself. That year I also met Eric. He and his family wanted to travel the festivals too, not only the festivals but the Sci-Fi conventions too, but the money wasn't there, and he had a very rare blood disease, called Gaucher's disease.  It was rare to have and rarer to get treatments. So I stayed in the state and worked, we worked the one fest together, next thing I know, I couldn't leave because Love wouldn't let me.  We ended up getting pregnant, and having Jerid. We still were dreaming the big dream. We still wanted to travel, but Jerid was born with complications, (another long story) and needed to be just as near to a doctor as Eric did, but Jerid's condition wasn't faitle so we thought, some travel was possible, the Eric developed a heart condition that was in direct result of the Gaucher's disease. Primary Pulmonary Hypertension of the heart. We were not going anywhere.  Jerid was getting older and he wasn't hitting his milestones like he should be, he hit two years and wasn't speaking, he had a defect in the speech center of his brain ( we found this out many years later) Eric died when two weeks before Jerid turned two.  We weren't going anywhere.  Six months later I met Justin. To be clear I wanted to be with no one. No one.  Justin was a guy who was just friendly and didn't want to date anyone either. He just stuck around and helped out where he could. It was an easy thing to fall into a relationship. He helped me get out of the depression I was in, he would just come over to hang out and let me cry, like the whole time. He let me talk about Eric,  he played with Jerid, he helped take care of him, when he saw I was having a bad day. He was like Eric, easy. I didn't realize I was in a relationship with Eric until I realized I was in a relationship with him. Justin was the same way. Justin got a job at the Ren fest, where I was volunteering at, and long story short, we found a different booth to work at and for years, we went together, Jerid didn't mind going, all he wanted was his chicken strips and chips, and a ride on the elephant, and to hang out at the back of the booth, which Justin and I would alternate shifts so Jerid would always be watched. When that booth was removed, there was no where for us to go. So Justin joined a band out there, and I've tried to go just for fun, but since Jerid had no where to go behind scenes. Jerid wants his chicken and chips, and the elephant ride, and he wants to go home. As the years go bye, he got bigger and stronger, its not worth the fight to just be where I once loved to be. I love my family, but the stage still calls. Because my son requires 24 hour supervision, and finding services for him is next to impossible, compromise is my life. I have zero reason to be there. so I don't get to go.