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Tuesday, May 12, 2015

As Time goes by.

As time goes by, life gets lived. Things you once thought of yourself gets put on a shelf and simply gets dusty. As you, yourself gets rusty and less agile. I love the spring it brings on the expectation of the new. Sun begins to shine the snow melts and the trees begin to bud, flowers bloom. Also for some (like me) almost a feeling of doom. The thoughts of what what hasn't happened yet start to creep in. I know the vale is thin in the spring, as much as it is in the fall. I experience this in the fall as well. Extreme feelings become evident. Spring brings on the wedding season. Justin and I tied the knot (literally a handfasting) this spring, it was a highlight of this year. Following it came the lows. Thoughts of why am I here, what is my purpose in life. Also the budget for Jerid's CDSC plan was today. He is doing better. Which to say is very bitter sweet. You see the way the county sees it, if a disabled person is doing well, they need less money to keep them on the right track. It is the same logic of a construction foreman looking at a tall building with a great foundation, and saying "Okay it looks good, lets take two beams off the bottom, because the top looks good." That frustration aside, it's great he's progressed. Somehow my writing on my blog stopped with the the frustrations of the City of Carver and their need to make us leave our home so they can have a drunken party in front of our home. Which makes me wonder if our family matters in the world at all. I know something needs to change. I just don't know how. We can not (should not have to) move. I'm very much feeling that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point. Looking back I don't think I was ever meant to have the future I dreamed about in my younger years. I know I am so lucky to have Jerid and Justin in my life, to have a roof over my head, as shop in my house and food for my family. I just wished I deserved it. I just wish I had a purpose in life, a direction. Something to contribute to society that made me feel like I belonged in it.

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