sigh....

 I wrote whole post about not feeling appreciated, and treated like I don't matter in this world, and I pushed one button, and it was erased. thanks universe. I have my answer.

my so called life.

 Life has gotten interesting, not only is it not 1997 anymore, I am starting to get memories. fleeting memories, nothing that sticks. Feelings, glimpses, and overwhelming emotions, but nothing that I can hold on to. I try, the more I try, the more I have no idea why I'm crying or uncomfortable. Sigh.  I am trying to connect to this family I have. It's not easy. Apparently I've been with this man for over 20 years. I have a son with another man, I have never met. I see pictures, I have zero memories, zero emotional attachment to them. It feels like I'm starring in a movie that is about my life, and I got the script yesterday. The thing is I'm still losing time even since I've been "back" the other day I was driving from Shakopee toward Waconia. I know I left the house at noon, and the clock in the car said it was after three. I noticed the car was cleaner. So maybe I was cleaning the car for three hours and lost track of time? I miss my old life, even though it wasn't much at least it was mine. This feels like I'm taking over for someone else.  Justin is just rolling with it. Which kinda freaks me out. He sees a therapist and according to her, there is no need for a hospital visit since I'm not a danger to myself or others.  I have a therapy appointment set up at the end of the month. The last one came and went, I'm not even sure I went. I'm still trying to figure out this world. I mean, the internet is always on, no more dial up. My therapy appointment is going to be on the computer. I feel like I'm in the Jetsons. I just wish I remembered how we got here. I mean, it was like yesterday people were preparing for Y2K. Nobody is speculating that cell phones give you cancer. If they are, they are not talking in the news cycles anymore. I know it's odd for me to bring these up now, but apparently Blockbuster isn't a thing anymore, and Suncoast video is a thing of the past. I know it sounds weird, but I can't believe I'm old enough to drink.  I have been knitting for years apparently, and I don't even know how to start a stitch. I feel useless in this world. The only thing I'm getting right is the baby boy. He is thirteen months old and the only reason I'm not running for the hills.  The oldest one is extremely disabled and needs to be medicated to not be abusive to himself or others. I learned that the hard way.  Justin has his own set of issues, apparently the income we get is taking care of the oldest kid. No body works outside of the house. It doesn't leave us with much alone time.  I should also mention I have no idea how I got onto this blog, I opened up the computer and the page popped up with a sticky note saying if you need to get your thoughts out, this page is for you. I've been told not to put too much information on the internet, don't trust anything you see, and yet here I am being encouraged to do so. This is definitely a different world we live in.  I just wish I knew what happened to my friends, I saw one that I apparently still talk to.  She has a child around the same age the youngest one. I found out most of the crew I used to work with all eventually passed away. I mean I used to work at a Legion, most everyone I worked with was twenty to forty years older than myself, it makes sense, I just wish I could have been there to say goodbye. Who knows, I most likely was, I just don't remember. I do with I had my own room, away from everyone, I miss having my own room. I miss my futon, I miss my wall of drawings, I miss my cd's and tapes. I'm not that tech savvy.  I miss seeing at least a familiar face everyday. I don't even have that. This isn't my life. I'm trapped in someone else's life, and I don't know what I can do about it.  So not sure how to feel about this. Maybe if I knew I wasn't alone, maybe other people are having this problem, I at least won't feel so isolated. As far as I can tell this blog thing has been around for years, and has not much traffic, so screaming into void is all I am doing. I guess it's better then nothing, Sigh. If you got this far, thanks for reading. 

Random post, sorry

 Complex PTSD is not anything that should be glamorized. That being said, it is my life, not to say that I have a glorious life, I really do not. I live in a house hold full of CPTSD.  It is a constant struggle just to get the bills paid and still try to have a positive outlook on life. At corrant point. I do not have that.  It feels like doom and gloom, every day.  Every time I feel there is a point of light, to look forward to, it's definitely a train.  Even now, I am taking a few minutes to write down my random thoughts and I can hear my youngest crying, I know that my time is limited because in a few minutes I will be presented with a crying child with the instructions to "fix it". That being said, I have been told to do that a lot lately, and when I give instruction of how to fix the thing, I am told it is wrong, and the thing goes on without the fixing. I don't see the point of my existence. I really don't. Everyone wants a piece of me, but no one sees my value. I feel I am broken. I need to go, my baby needs me. Sorry, that's all I got right now. 

MY complicated life...

 To make no mistake I did make my choices to be here, where I am. Although the consequences are not all what I was hoping for.  I did choose to stay in a relationship with a man who was dying, and I did choose to have his child, even though I didn't realize how much assistance he will be needing for the rest of his life, but they were and are worth it.  Eric died soon before our sons third birthday. As expected as it was, it was sudden and we honestly thought there would be more time, or at least a lengthy goodbye.  He was there, talking about planning a Halloween party, then all of a sudden he was cold and he had seizure, the ambulance came, they got him awake enough to say that we were his family, and he loved us, they took him on a stretcher, and he was gone by the time he was at the hospital.  We knew because of his Gaucher's disease he wasn't long for this world. He said by the time he was two he was diagnoses, and those people who are diagnosed at that age, don't tend to see three. When he was three and doing fine, they figured out there was two types of Gaucher's and the had the second type.  At the time there wasn't any treatment only maintenance. So When his spleen needed to be removed at the age of seven, they removed it.  It was seven pounds, it's usually seven ounces in the average person of eighty years. Anyway. I don't know what my point of writing about this, I guess it's just something I gotta get out of my head.  When we met I was nineteen years old, and in a relationship that was going nowhere. He was the kind of guy who lived an hour away, and was making up excuses why he couldn't come my direction, also didn't seem to want me really in his life, and was more interested in video games. No shade on that guy, he was a nice guy, just didn't work out, I don't think I was his type, and he was too nice to really be honest about it. We still talk from time to time. I think our neurodiverances clashed, lol.  I was finding myself being with Eric more and more then anyone else.  Eric was the type of guy who would get on a bus for half the day just to meet up halfway between our houses, which was ridiculous because he was forty-five minutes away, and it took him three hours to meet up with me.  lol. He said I was worth it. I told him he was crazy.

 I was struggling to keep the relationship open, because I didn't want to keep falling in relationships with guys. My first relationship was from fifteen years old, until he dumped me two weeks before my eighteenth birthday. I decided to get a job at the Ren fair of MN, and do the thing that boyfriend told me not to do and that was work out there. I roller skated, I got a second job, I was going into my last year of highschool, even though I was moving on, He would call. I admit against all better judgement, I answered. The relationship was healthy at first,but turned toxic, I was supportive, and helpful to him and his family, but then odd things would happen. He had issue with me doing anything. He didn't want me to work jobs that didn't match his schedual,  he didn't like me talking to other men, even at work, he would take me out and if I did something better then him (like bowling) we never did that together again.  He dumped me after a trip to Germany he had with his High school german teacher that summer. I was planning on going with him, but something odd happened, he declared I wouldn't appreciate the country because I didn't know the language, and didn't want me to go.  So I stayed.  Waiting for every phone call, being the good girl.  I did end up visiting an old friend of the family, just to keep myself busy. Which was fun.  

Life is complicated.

 I was texting a friend the other day about the MN Ren Fest starting up soon, and they were mentioning how they were, " so over it, and they were happy that I still find joy in going." where my response was, " I don't get to go." The conversation was kinda left there hanging in the air like not quite clean underwear, left on the line on a hot summer day.  To be clear, I was a festie, I loved being out there in the heat, in the mud, in the rain, I wanted to camp there, but I lived to close, I slept in my car in the parking lot, which wasn't the safest and against the rules, I didn't care, my first year I was a worker that started at the travelers booth, and was doing blooming onions the next week, then the Feast of Fantasy! Actually that was the year I met this friend I was texting. I was 18 and still had my last year in high school to finish. They had been a little older, we kept in contact for little while, then they kinda fell of the planet, I just wanted to finish high school, and follow the fest, like they were planning on doing.   The next year I was 19 years old and freshly graduated high school and I was working for the Jousters in the Sandlot. I was performing! I was getting people to laugh and to clap for my side of the jousting ring, I was on stage! I felt I found myself. That year I also met Eric. He and his family wanted to travel the festivals too, not only the festivals but the Sci-Fi conventions too, but the money wasn't there, and he had a very rare blood disease, called Gaucher's disease.  It was rare to have and rarer to get treatments. So I stayed in the state and worked, we worked the one fest together, next thing I know, I couldn't leave because Love wouldn't let me.  We ended up getting pregnant, and having Jerid. We still were dreaming the big dream. We still wanted to travel, but Jerid was born with complications, (another long story) and needed to be just as near to a doctor as Eric did, but Jerid's condition wasn't faitle so we thought, some travel was possible, the Eric developed a heart condition that was in direct result of the Gaucher's disease. Primary Pulmonary Hypertension of the heart. We were not going anywhere.  Jerid was getting older and he wasn't hitting his milestones like he should be, he hit two years and wasn't speaking, he had a defect in the speech center of his brain ( we found this out many years later) Eric died when two weeks before Jerid turned two.  We weren't going anywhere.  Six months later I met Justin. To be clear I wanted to be with no one. No one.  Justin was a guy who was just friendly and didn't want to date anyone either. He just stuck around and helped out where he could. It was an easy thing to fall into a relationship. He helped me get out of the depression I was in, he would just come over to hang out and let me cry, like the whole time. He let me talk about Eric,  he played with Jerid, he helped take care of him, when he saw I was having a bad day. He was like Eric, easy. I didn't realize I was in a relationship with Eric until I realized I was in a relationship with him. Justin was the same way. Justin got a job at the Ren fest, where I was volunteering at, and long story short, we found a different booth to work at and for years, we went together, Jerid didn't mind going, all he wanted was his chicken strips and chips, and a ride on the elephant, and to hang out at the back of the booth, which Justin and I would alternate shifts so Jerid would always be watched. When that booth was removed, there was no where for us to go. So Justin joined a band out there, and I've tried to go just for fun, but since Jerid had no where to go behind scenes. Jerid wants his chicken and chips, and the elephant ride, and he wants to go home. As the years go bye, he got bigger and stronger, its not worth the fight to just be where I once loved to be. I love my family, but the stage still calls. Because my son requires 24 hour supervision, and finding services for him is next to impossible, compromise is my life. I have zero reason to be there. so I don't get to go. 

Welcome to 2022

March 2022

This last year has been interesting to say the least.  To start with I had given birth this past month to a healthy baby boy.  Something I have have never gotten to say before. The last time I gave birth was in 1998, and the baby I gave birth to was far from healthy. Jerid (my first born) was born with a birth defect in the speech center of his brain, and had a diaphragmatic hernia which led to his lung collapsing, which led to several surgeries and a feeding tube for his first nine months of his life.  His challenges were our challenges, and we met them head on. So to have a child that is healthy and thriving is almost hard to believe. As a hole I am  feeling so very blessed to have both my kids. 

fast forward now to July 2, 2022

I didn't realize I started this in March and haven't come back to it until now. So much has happened, my new born is almost six months old, and the over turning of Roe just happening a week or so ago. I look at my life and realize how truly blessed I am. Yes, I have a extremely disabled son, who is now an adult, and an infant. Di have to say, both times I got pregnant I didn't choose when it happened, but I have to say I definitely chose to stay pregnant.

Through out my lifetime I have known kids my age, I'm in my 40's, that I grew up with that had parents tell them to their faces that they should have aborted them, and that they needed to be a little bit more grateful to them for letting them live. I have also had my own mother tell me in moments of great stress that she should never had me, because I was a great risk to her health. Let me tell you, I didn't ask to be born, but I have spent most of my life trying to show my mother how grateful that she let me be alive. Now that I'm in my 40's and have my own kids, I have this need to let my kids know I am grateful for them. I don't want them to feel the way I felt, or worse yet what the people I grew up with to felt like.  Most of the ones I knew in high school lost touch with me, and I do wonder where they are and what happened to them since graduation.  

This next generation will be filled with more angry parents and kids who never asked to be born.  I am truly saddened for this next generation.  We are supposed to be bringing on with every generation to be better then the generation before, now it is going to be more broken and filled with resentment.  

I keep saying this ruling isn't about babies, because it isn't. It's about over turning so much more then abortion. The SCOTUS has already stated this.  It will be gay marriage, and trans rights, and so much more. I have to admit I haven't really bought into the land of the free and home of the brave since the early 2000's after 9/11, because I saw how the LBGTQIA+ and BIPOC community was being treated first hand back in those days, and realized we are not free as long as there was anyone who was being oppressed.  Now as I see it, I think even those who still have their freedoms but are not wealthy, are not free,  over 90% of us live in a gilded cage, disguised as freedom. So much so most of us don't see it.  

Anyway here are some baby pictures to make people feel good.

August 2021

 Soon my birthday will be here, next Monday, to be specific. I will be 43 years young. This year has had its trials and tribulations to be sure. The beginning of the year we were just so happy to survive another year, and Covid19 came into our house the spring of last year. It took almost three full months of my life to get my sense of taste and smell back. We were the lucky ones, no hospitalizations, which is a win in my book.  The beginning of this year I found myself blessed, we were going to have a baby.  for four wonderful weeks, we knew about our bundle of joy, we thought we were farther along, because the hormone levels said we were, we were so excited we did start telling people but not social media, because none of the usual tests made sense, except, we were expecting. The hormone levels started to drop, until we miscarried. Turns out we were having multiples, unlike the other times we found ourselves in this spot,  our hormones were working the way they were supposed to, until they didn't. We were devastated. There was a lot of blessings in disguise, I have PCOS, I was 310 pounds, Pre diabetic, and had high blood pressure. Before the discovery of the pregnancy, I was gearing myself up to do better for myself, to drastically change my diet and my physical activity habits. (from nothing to something) I had no idea when I started to plan this of my currant health status, I just knew I was fat, and felt like crap all the time. So I started by getting on my stationary bike, working until I got tired. In the beginning I was tired pretty quickly, but my time was longer and longer a little everyday. I also started Intermittent Fasting and started to journal my food and started cutting my carbs after the first week of journaling, the decided to cut them again every week after that, until I hit ketosis. I was actually doing something I didn't think possible, I started to lose weight. and feel good. In the past I never lost more then fifteen pounds, I wouldn't lose more then that, no matter how hard I tried, and feeling good, wasn't an option. I have figured out food sensitivities, it did help to have a list of foods that were for the most part toxic to my body and made it almost impossible for me to lose weight, or feel good. I also found supplements that helped with balance my hormones. I had started Ginger the year before which made me have a regular moon cycle, which was a new thing for me, which led to the pregnancy that actually made my hormones do the things they were supposed to do.  My goal wasn't to get pregnant again, my goal was to get stronger, and healthier, and dare I say, not morbidly obese anymore. I had no delusions of being thin, I have not been below a size 12, since I was in high school. I joined a gym and started working out two to three days a week. I finally got to 270, also my A1C was in the normal range again, and my blood pressure was normal again, I  was so thrilled. Then found out I was pregnant again.  Mean while my personal weight loss journey was doing amazing, I was losing friends.  A friend of mine who was pregnant at the same time was, started pulling away from me after I miscarried, soon she started making large life decisions that I expressed concerns about, trying to help. I let her know I may not agree with her choices, I was going to support her where ever I could. I was her friend, I cared very much for, she decided to unfriend and block me on all counts. I put that pain into the gym. I had a work out partner who had the goal of pregnancy, I was giving the best advice I would give, honestly, having PCOS and being infertile for over nineteen years you learn all the tricks except the ones that help yourself. She was thrilled to find out we were pregnant again,  because thought she was. I was so happy for her. I was still processing the trauma of the last few months and the losses of years past, I'm still processing them, She lost her baby soon after a she found out we were pregnant again. She decided, I wasn't her friend anymore. So this year I lost babies, two friends.  All surrounding pregnancy and loss.  I know there is a deeper story, lots to do with mental health, trauma healing, loss, grief, and some successes.  So I am now 17 weeks pregnant, praying to keep this kid where he is at the moment for the next 20 weeks, feeling like the two people I let into my life abandoned me, while a life grows inside of me womb. I don't blame them for leaving me. I know they are doing what they feel they need to do for their own mental health, and for their own well being.  I wish them the best. I am doing my best to do what's best for the new life I am bringing into the world.  Not sure what the point of this post is, other then to share what kind of crazy 2021 has become for me.  Since my goal was to lose weight has been side tracked a second time around this year, my goal is to not gain weight this pregnancy, and to keep my blood pressure down, and my blood sugar in the normal range. So far so good. Not one pound gained, and baby is growing.  So the goal is to knit as much as possible, for a baby due in January 2022. 

Happy New Year.

This is the time where we start to settle into the new year, there is a new Congress that started this week, even within a shut down stalemate, the Senate will not co-operate with the new people in the Congress, and the man in charge will not budge. We will see how long this will last.  ***eye rolls**

The shop had about five shows before the days of Christmas, though the shows were full of promise, the amount of costumers were a bit disappointing, it has been told to me that shows don't do well on election years, so far it hasn't been a lie.  The Holiday Geek expo was still our best show, and we have been recruited to be a dealer at MarsCon.  There is a lot of controversy around that con, not sure it was the best idea to take them up on it, but our sales suffer in the spring, we may not do MarsCon after this, the money has already been spent, at least we have our foot in the door.    

On a personal note, our holiday was full of merriment and sickness. My gallbladder decided to cleanse itself two days before Christmas, needless to say, eating wasn't the best idea. (I did it anyway) followed by a three day cleanse and a cold that just won't go away.  (still) 

Jerid has been liking going to STAR, he's got one more year and we are now having to explore what is next. We are thinking of an organization that gets him out of the house at least 2-3 days a week and maybe does volunteering.  His counselors know he could get a job, the likely hood of him having follow through and sustainability is almost nonexistent.  As much as he loves repetition, he needs change ups in his routine.

Justin has started to see a chiropractor right before Christmas, it has helped him in so many ways, his anxiety for one has been more under control then ever before.  His spine was a bit on the scoliosis side, but his neck was also pushed forward, which made his esophagus kind of on a constant state of an almost swallow which causes anxiety and lack of lung capacity.  It's expensive, but worth every penny to have a calm Justin.

Happy New years to everyone.

Birthday fun

My birthday isn't always fun, sometimes it's like I forget I have one at all.  My birthday falls around the beginning of  both the Renaissance Festival and the Minnesota State fair, so most people are to busy to notice.  So this was the week of my 40th birthday! I did something impulsive, and crazy and drove 4 and half hours to Wisconsin for a hour and half class.  I know it's crazy but I needed to shake it up a bit.  The class was hosted at Circle Sanctuary, near Mount Horeb (the troll capital of the world). I decided we were going around 10:30 am that morning. We packed up the car and made it there right before the class began. I met new people and learned new things.  We spent the night at a hotel in Mount Horeb and we went troll hunting in the morning, but first, we had to play at the hotel pool and get a cup of coffee at the Cross Roads Cafe, not to far out of the way. We had lunch at the Grumpy Troll, and of course stopped at the Cat and Crow for yarn.  before we left.  I totally intended to visit the Crystal Caves on the way out, but time wasn't on my side. That just means I need to go back at a later date.  Jerid and Justin both had fun, at least they seem to.  My birthday isn't always the best, for two glorious days, I threw caution to wind and went on a road trip out of state. When it is good, and I can knock off some of things on my bucket list, I am so happy to do it.

Thanks for reading.

summer time

This summer is going way to quickly and yet not quick enough, next week Jerid will be starting his summer camp at Camp Friendship/Eden Wood. Though it is day camp it's when I miss him being around and yet gets me geared up for the school time schedule. Jerid just recently  had his neurology appointment, discovered his condition is called  Cortical Dysplasia, he will be having more testing in August to account to his relatively new behaviors, to see if they are started in the brain or if they are caused by stress, or maybe stemming from his autism.  All I know is I'm most likely have more questions then answers. I do know since this official diagnosis I have been doing research on my own, realizing how lucky my son is, my heart goes out to those who have to deal with far more then behaviors on a daily basis.  I am still frustrated that this diagnosis wasn't brought to my attention until recently, I guess it's better late then never.  I digress.

 In other news my nephew Justin had come up from Florida for a week, and we had a great time reconnecting with him, the picture above was us playing Lord of the Rings Risk, we have missed seeing him and hearing his voice.  He's been working hard in his studies and kicking butt in college, as much as we miss him, we are so proud of the man he has become.

In other news, my Justin has taken up a wood working apprenticeship, which only started last week. so far so good. He is also gearing up to work as a Leprechaun Pirate at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival.

As for me, same old, same old. Knitting, crochet, a little of this, little of that.  I will update as soon as I know more about Jerid's diagnosis.
Thanks for reading.

Memorial Weekend.

This weekend we had some wonderful friends come out to clean and organize our garage. The brave souls who sacrificed their Saturday in 94 degree heat with no AC, to come out and clean our scary garage. We are so very grateful! (Kevin, Theresa, Teresa, Tommy, and Doug)  We feel we can't thank you enough!

apple blossoms through the stained glass window
picture taken by Sara Dibble

The rest of the weekend will be filled with music and family. Justin has been playing music mostly non stop for the last few weeks, recording with Beth Kinderman and playing random gigs and having shows at conventions, this is the first weekend back with the Leprechaun Pirates in a few weeks.  He did get to play with many of his bands at his Birthday celebration, but some of the steady practices have had to go to the way side, now he's getting back on track. 

We have been opening the shop a bit more lately.  This week though we've taken a brake, Karen had gone camping and garage cleaning has taken center stage at the moment.

Jerid has been doing amazing at the STAR program, when his anxiety isn't getting the better of him.  We will be taking him to see the neurologist in July to see what could be done. 

Winter 2.0

Well it snowed about to feet yesterday, (April 15, 2018) So very grateful for the ability to have a full pantry, and many art projects to do.  I managed to watch 4 Marvel movies, and made six wash clothes, some sewing and got some cleaning done. Also it was Justin and my sixteen year anniversary on the 15th,  Sixteen years, doesn't feel that long ago we just met, but the facts don't lie. So grateful to have him in my life, not sure where I would be without him, not that I ever want to think about that.  Today the roads were clear enough to get out to get taxes done, so that is finished for another year. My health seems to be improving, I think I finally got my healthcare insurance resolved. (hoping) I may even be able to see what I really did to my foot when I fell over a year ago. It still swells up and doesn't like to bend when I exercise. So it might be nice to see what could be done with that. Other then that, I believe Jerid is on another growth spurt. He has days where he has to eat every hour, and some days he sleeps all day,  he only comes out of bed to get food.   Poor kid also is reacting to growing pains. I've been monitoring his behaviors more closely I am wondering if they can help him. Since he doesn't seem to have these issues while we are out and about, and we can not call it at will.  All in the name of the betterment of him and his life. I've been video taping them.  It's hard when all you want to do is help, but your helpless yourself.  Thank goodness for technology.  Well not much more to report, so I'll leave you with the winter wonder land that is Springtime in Minnesota.  Thank you for reading and have a blessed day.

Happy Spring everyone!

It's finally spring!!! We live in Minnesota which means there is snow in the forecast this weekend. Lol!  This weekend was set aside for going to my parents house for Easter cookie decorating and grill out.   We have already gotten started with a good old fashioned spring cleaning, it's slow going but we will been getting more into it in the next week, due to Jerid being on spring brake.  On a more fun note we are slowly getting caught up on our Marvel movies, still haven't seen Thor, the Dark world, and Iron Man 2, so I have goals.  Thinking taking Jerid on a few outings, but that is pocket book pending.  I've been getting into my sewing space, but instead of being inspired to make things, I've been more inspired to clean, and that isn't a bad thing.  I do need to get things more organized, it's hard when your brain is dyslexic, it doesn't come easy.  Went to MarsCon earlier this month, Jerid was happy to be in the pool at the hotel, not so much for the rest of it, he likes to watch people, but doesn't like the panels. 

The business partner, Karen has been having the shop open (excluding the week of spring brake) on the weekends starting on Thursdays. Which means I've been knitting away to restock spring items. Also gearing up to bring items to Prelude Repeats, in Shoreview MN.  Which will be open three weeks in April. 
 Justin is gearing up for the spring Art Crawl, in Saint Paul.  He is making coloring pages of him and a Dave, a band mate. They are playing music under the name of Big Loud Monsters, playing music for children.  It is exciting, it's something they have been talking about for a few years now. So glad it's manifested into something real.  Please, check out the link.

https://www.saintpaulartcrawl.org/


We are hosting a clean up party to clean our garage and roof repair also in April, the week before, so the schedule is getting booked pretty quick.  Busy, busy, busy.

Thanks for reading.

Almost February

Flu season is among us, and I've got it. No fever, but feel like ugh! Thank goodness, it's just me. The rest of the house is doing well. It's hard to believe that the end of January is this week, time is flying bye. This past month I had gotten to go to a pajama party of only women. It was nice to get out of the house and spend the evening with the wonderful women in my life.

Jerid's still doing well at the STAR program. They must be working him hard, because after every day, especially Mondays, he crashes for a nap as soon as he comes home.  He wakes up just in time for dinner and some television and goes to bed still at a reasonable hour. Gets up the next day with enthusiasm to do it all over again.  I feels so blessed that he is happy with this program.  He has also been signed up for two weeks of summer camp for this summer season, at Camp Eden Wood in Eden Prairie.  I'm also so grateful for the team of social workers and financial workers he has.  I have no idea what I would do without them.

Justin is starting to work on making the house the way he wants it to look, he also has decided to work on the February  challenge of , February Album Writing Month, (FAWM) hoping this works out for him, it will be exciting.

With the Super Bowl coming to the twin cities, I believe we will be avoiding the cities until after the event.  LOL, not much of a sports ball fan.

As for the state of the union, I didn't watch it before, no matter who is in office, so why would I start now? I feel I pay attention to currant events enough to not have to hear someone pat themselves on the back for stuff they did or didn't do.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! 

Good by 2017 and hello 2018!

We've made it to another year! So hoping everyone had a good and safe Holiday vacation and New Years eve.  Jerid is now back at the STAR Program to start his new year and Justin and I are sick with the stomach flu. Jerid is just fine, thankfully.

We spent our New Years Eve at our friend Hope's house with her family and a few other friends. It was a quiet evening until all the kids got noise makers. LOL!

Still so much to contemplate and look forward to, Jerid will be going to Camp Eden Wood/ Friendship this summer. 

Karen and I are hoping to have the shop open a bit more often this new year, we will be sending items to sell to Shoreview, to try to make more sales. We were saddened to find that the venue for the Holiday Geek Expo was cancelled last year, to find out that the Geek Partnership Society (GPS) also had a Holiday show, we were not in that show, but we did attend. Should also point out that Karen has been working hard on our new web site, please check it out if you have a chance. www.temperancearts.com 

  We have been doing our best to keep the house warm, it's a big and drafty house, it is almost like a book of where's Waldo, to find out where a draft maybe coming from, you think you got it, then find out, nope, there is a bigger one you didn't notice. LoL! 

Well that is all for now, Happy New year everyone!

two years!

So much has been happening since the last time I've blogged. Where to begin? Justin and I have been working through some challenges to say the least. Justin broke his back in the summer of 2016, which through off his comeback to the Minnesota Ren. Festival.  His T4-T7 were fractured due to a a bumpy ride in the back bed of a pickup truck. It resulted in Justin having two grand mall seizures and 5 days in the hospital. That experience did test our relationship, to say the least.  He also had a bad reaction to the meds they gave him which, in my opinion still linger to this day. On the up side, this year was kind of a do over, he did get to play with the band The Leprechaun Pirates this past season. The sad news is one of the members had to leave do to a compromised immune system from the chemo she received from her diagnoses of breast cancer.    My son is now 19 years old.  Nineteen. Where has that time went? He has graduated to the next stage in life, no longer is he in high school. He has started the STAR program in Chaska MN.

They are working with him to see where he can be placed, possible out comes for job placement and workforce placement. This time we have not been needing to drive out to my parents house for him to be bused to school, he is being picked up from home.  This frees up time to work more on the house, an adjustment that Justin and I have been struggling with.  It's been 4 months and the schedule is still in flux.

Although today we did get some sort of a heading for what to do next for the house and how we want to organize our home.  I have been working on my knitting again, some crochet.

I haven't been back to playing with my dolls, even though I have gotten some new "kids" that need clothes and desperately need to be played with.  I haven't yet got my sewing room (still known as warehouse 13, because of all the "treasures" that are in there) 

Yesterday I spent the day with family and friends. My mom did her annual cookie decorating parties. It was entertaining to see Justin make a monster house, out of a gingerbread house that just wouldn't stay up right.

As for the nephews they seem to be growing up so fast, last few years it was all about how many sprinkles can fit onto one cookie, now they want to make them look pretty in other ways. Jerid didn't want anything to do with the process, he likes to be on YouTube and that is all he wanted to do.

I've come back here to not only update, but to also revisit what I have felt I have lost being a way. The City of Carver still exists, I still have the depression and fear ever time I have to hear about the plans for Steamboat days. Although lately they have been kind to us, by only putting the bounce houses in front of our home, they still block off our home six ways till Sunday, (literally until Sunday night) but the upside is we are not afraid of leaving our house, and not afraid to say in our house. Which has been the issue.  We will be ever diligent and not let our guard down so that what has happened in the past does not repeat it's self.  Now all we can do is try to live our life as best we can. Thanks for reading: Happy Holidays everyone!

As Time goes by.

As time goes by, life gets lived. Things you once thought of yourself gets put on a shelf and simply gets dusty. As you, yourself gets rusty and less agile. I love the spring it brings on the expectation of the new. Sun begins to shine the snow melts and the trees begin to bud, flowers bloom. Also for some (like me) almost a feeling of doom. The thoughts of what what hasn't happened yet start to creep in. I know the vale is thin in the spring, as much as it is in the fall. I experience this in the fall as well. Extreme feelings become evident. Spring brings on the wedding season. Justin and I tied the knot (literally a handfasting) this spring, it was a highlight of this year. Following it came the lows. Thoughts of why am I here, what is my purpose in life. Also the budget for Jerid's CDSC plan was today. He is doing better. Which to say is very bitter sweet. You see the way the county sees it, if a disabled person is doing well, they need less money to keep them on the right track. It is the same logic of a construction foreman looking at a tall building with a great foundation, and saying "Okay it looks good, lets take two beams off the bottom, because the top looks good." That frustration aside, it's great he's progressed. Somehow my writing on my blog stopped with the the frustrations of the City of Carver and their need to make us leave our home so they can have a drunken party in front of our home. Which makes me wonder if our family matters in the world at all. I know something needs to change. I just don't know how. We can not (should not have to) move. I'm very much feeling that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't at this point. Looking back I don't think I was ever meant to have the future I dreamed about in my younger years. I know I am so lucky to have Jerid and Justin in my life, to have a roof over my head, as shop in my house and food for my family. I just wished I deserved it. I just wish I had a purpose in life, a direction. Something to contribute to society that made me feel like I belonged in it.

An Autistic Child has to leave this home for this weekend's event.

This past weekend in the City of Carver had their annual event called Carver Steamboat days.  It is run by the City of Carver Lions club. Which is an event that takes up the city streets, with music, vendors and a parade. What they don't want people to know is that they had to displace an Autistic Child and his family, so they can block off their home to have a out door concert and beer vendors serve beer until 12 am. on Saturday night.

Ok, I have to admit.  Those who have read my blog before, know that it is our family.  So let me explain the stresses that come with this.  We have been trying to get the Carver Lions Club, and the City of Carver to move this event from in front of our home since we tried to move Justin's father (who was a disabled Vietnam vet. moved back to his home after an extensive stay in a rehabilitation center.)  The city did nothing.  When we explained that we have a disabled child who lives with us, so they should move the event else where, they just offered a hotel room.  We have admit we took it.  We felt we have no choice.  So leaving our home to a city who doesn't care about it's constituents, and a Lions club who obviously doesn't care about the displacement of a child with autism and his care givers. We had to leave our home.

This year we have gotten ourselves a lawyer.  Not much good it did us. (not that we are ungrateful for what our lawyer did for us. She was as awesome as she could be not being an expert of this section of law, she did move small mountains.)  We still had to leave our home.  The only up side was we got food added to their bill.  So at least we didn't have to scrape for food, which we had to do the last two years.

We also found out last year that The City of Carver has been shooting off fireworks within 200 yards from our house, in doing so on the weekend after labor day weekend 2007 (or 2008) they did in fact light our home on fire. We were told this after we had gotten a new roof.  This was at the time when Justin's father owned the house and was in the hospital. We also found out that they didn't have a permit for those years and not one mention to the family, from the City or from the Lion's club.  So when we did get the lawyer we were told by the city we had to evacuate our home so they can shoot off the fireworks. Our lawyer called the state fire marshal. We then found out that evacuation of a family home for fireworks  is 100% illegal and in contacting the state fire marshal our lawyer did get the fire works moved away from our house.

This was what was blocking us from our home.  Our lawyer told us we could go home by Sunday night we couldn't believe they only left us enough room for our Honda civic to get threw the rows of bleacher and garbage cans.  They moved them the next morning after we  made a comment on Facebook with a picture of what they considered clearing our drive way.  They said they would clean up around our yard, it took them two days and us contacting them on Facebook yet again to get them to do what they promised.  

After they  posted this video, we were confirmed in our concerns about what happens in our front walk and drive way.

 Yep this in front of our home. What would you do?

Out raged yet?  It gets better.  Since we have moved into this home which has been in Justin's family for 5 generations.  We have been accused of trying to shut down the whole event. We asked them to move it, they then ask us to find a more appropriate site for the concert.  When we point out that they have 4 parks large enough to host the event, without having to move people out of their home. They then say it wouldn't work, because people would complain.  (really?)  We have been asked by the City of Carver and the Lion's club why we moved there if we didn't like the event there.  (again really?)  We also have been asked why we are complaining, they don't offer a hotel to anyone else.  (what?)

We don't want to take away their event, we just want it to be moved. So we can enjoy the celebration and even participate, maybe make people aware of the autism community.

All we are asking for is the quiet serenity of our home, and access to it  100 % of the time.

Please help this post go viral!!! Let the City of Carver, and the Carver Lions Club know that they are wrong in displacing our family.

 Thank you for your support.  I would also like to thank our Lawyer, who did everything she could and the State of Minnesota's fire Marshal, that got the fire works a safe distance from our home.

new years

Intergalactic folk festival 2013

Happy New Year Everyone!!!  It just dawned on me that I haven't updated in a while and thinking this is a perfect time to do so.  The first of the new year always makes me reflect on the last.  Maybe a little cliche on my end but hay, why not.  It was a bumpy road but we managed to stay on it.  which isn't a bad thing.  As of October 31 we have been at our currant residence in Carver and allot has happened to say the least.  Between figuring out the quarks of our 157 year old house (I know all houses have them no matter the age) Frozen pipes, finding out what doesn't trip the fuses, new roof, new kitten,  bees moving in, and moving them out,  wasps, box elder bugs,  bats and random scratching thing in the walls (that's new)  squirrels, opening a shop,  Intergalactic folk festivals (with broken arms), birthday parties, Halloween get together s, Renaissance festival guests, car brake downs, potty training, ghosts (just the family saying hello), random smells, fights with city hall, new bridge constructions in our back yard, steamboat days, craft shows and it seems much much more. (not all in that order)

new bridge started in 2012, finished 2013

I know I listen allot above, I haven't quite shared with you yet so, let me explain.   Since the last entry we have had a few things have been happening.  A friend of mine Karen Larsen (Larsenstitches.com) has become a major player for our little in home shop Temperance Arts and Gifts.  She has been getting us out to arts show and has started her own on line shop as well as sells her items at the shop.  So we have been busy to say the least.  
The car brake downs haven't really been all that new.  On Christmas day our cars rod that holds the hood open fell across the battery, shorting out the whole car.  Not fun!
We

new roof 2013, YaY!

Ghosts haven't been making appearances until a few months ago.  Now we are having random smells down the hall ways like someone is cooking (something delicious) Christmas Eve it smelled like hot apple pie, before we started to cook for the day.   Thanksgiving smelled like Roast (no one cooked that day)  Not complaining, in the least, it could be worse.  

We only had one bat in the house, I was on line and in my sewing room when it happened, of course Justin was at band practice.  So I locked myself in my room until Justin came home.  The most frustrating of all is when Justin came home, there was no bat.  Haven't seen it since.  Now he thinks I'm crazy.  (Just kidding, he believes me)

Random scratching in the walls are happening as well, we haven't been brave enough to investigate, we think it's a raccoon, or a possum.  Not sure, we just know it loves to scratch, and if you tap on the walls where it is, it will hiss at you.  No clue.

steamboat days, how are we supposed to get home
now? 2013

As for Steamboat days and the headaches that come with it, we just have resided ourselves that education is key.  It seems that no one knows that we live in the big red house down the block.  So we just let people know as they come into the shop and talk to as many people in town that the house is occupied by three people who love their piece and quite, especially on school weekends.  Educate, Educate, Educate.

So I'll finish off this blog post with pictures with descriptions, because all of a sudden my computer is acting up.  Instead of fighting with it for an hour and loosing here it goes!  Love technology!

gardening successes! 2013
   This year we started our first Garden with some successes!  We planted Zucchini, tomatoes, squash, sunflowers, and peppers.  Most of all we ate, and was very good, we are thinking of adding more next year. We are hoping it will be as successful.  

new shop sign! 2013

 New shop sign picture!  We are getting more exposure as a little shop in our house gets more popular.  We have gotten new signs and it seems to be helping to let people know we exorcist!

bees getting a new home away from ours! 2013  

BEES! Yes, that is the side of our house being dissembled for the removal  a honey  bee hive that moved in.  This summer was a fun one they moved in two days after we got our new roof, and the week before the Intergalactic Folk festival that caused great concern for two of the musicians were highly allergic to bees were to performed.   They were removed a week after the festival.  No one got stung.  Thankfully!

So I'm hoping that this year is a little bit less critter based.  Can't wait! 

(or maybe I can.)

Thank you and Happy New Year!

City of Carver and other news.

Big ass tent in front of our house Steamboat days 2013.

 Lets start this off by showing you this picture of our house during Carver's Steamboat days.  Yep, as you can see our house was completely cut off by four barricades.  We couldn't go to our house unless we parked a block down and walked there.  The music was at 94 decibels at the farthest part of the house from the tent. The music goes till 1am and there is no where to hide from it, if we wanted to stay home.  My Autistic son really can't handle the noise.  We were sent to a hotel by the comity, and no other negotiations will be had. The Mayor himself just said. "We wish your house wasn't there." They will not move the tent.  They will not stop the music at 10pm when their noise ordinances would require them to.   The true statement that the City of Carver doesn't care about the people of their town when money is on the line.  I thought living there was going to be good, now I am questioning it.  We have gone to the State Attorney General's office, and was told of our rights under the laws of the the city.  The laws that the City feel free to ignore.  If I had the money I would sue. I like my home and don't like feeling bullied out of it.

Jerid and Justin riding the Elephant at MN Ren. Fest. Festival Friday
Sept. 2013

So lets talk about a happy topic.  We went to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, it was a beautiful day.  This year I came prepared, I brought the camera!  Jerid did it again and this time I got proof, he road the elephant!  So proud of my (not so)  little guy! He hates most things with four legs but he seems to really enjoy riding the elephant.  He seemed more scared of the horses this year so he sat on one but no luck on the riding. Still proud.  He is now in 9th grade and almost 15 years old Yikes!  Time does fly when having your having fun.

 So it's almost that time of year again. Thinking of Halloween and our loved ones who have passed. Eric Dibble (Jerid's Father)  was a lover of Halloween.  The day that he died we were talking about who we should invite to a Halloween party. He was 26 years old, he died due to a heart condition caused by Gaucher s disease.  I miss him very much.  Eric Bryce Dibble passed away 10-17-01.

Please, feel free to comment on the ones you are thinking about.

           Have a safe and Happy Halloween everyone!