my so called life.

 Life has gotten interesting, not only is it not 1997 anymore, I am starting to get memories. fleeting memories, nothing that sticks. Feelings, glimpses, and overwhelming emotions, but nothing that I can hold on to. I try, the more I try, the more I have no idea why I'm crying or uncomfortable. Sigh.  I am trying to connect to this family I have. It's not easy. Apparently I've been with this man for over 20 years. I have a son with another man, I have never met. I see pictures, I have zero memories, zero emotional attachment to them. It feels like I'm starring in a movie that is about my life, and I got the script yesterday. The thing is I'm still losing time even since I've been "back" the other day I was driving from Shakopee toward Waconia. I know I left the house at noon, and the clock in the car said it was after three. I noticed the car was cleaner. So maybe I was cleaning the car for three hours and lost track of time? I miss my old life, even though it wasn't much at least it was mine. This feels like I'm taking over for someone else.  Justin is just rolling with it. Which kinda freaks me out. He sees a therapist and according to her, there is no need for a hospital visit since I'm not a danger to myself or others.  I have a therapy appointment set up at the end of the month. The last one came and went, I'm not even sure I went. I'm still trying to figure out this world. I mean, the internet is always on, no more dial up. My therapy appointment is going to be on the computer. I feel like I'm in the Jetsons. I just wish I remembered how we got here. I mean, it was like yesterday people were preparing for Y2K. Nobody is speculating that cell phones give you cancer. If they are, they are not talking in the news cycles anymore. I know it's odd for me to bring these up now, but apparently Blockbuster isn't a thing anymore, and Suncoast video is a thing of the past. I know it sounds weird, but I can't believe I'm old enough to drink.  I have been knitting for years apparently, and I don't even know how to start a stitch. I feel useless in this world. The only thing I'm getting right is the baby boy. He is thirteen months old and the only reason I'm not running for the hills.  The oldest one is extremely disabled and needs to be medicated to not be abusive to himself or others. I learned that the hard way.  Justin has his own set of issues, apparently the income we get is taking care of the oldest kid. No body works outside of the house. It doesn't leave us with much alone time.  I should also mention I have no idea how I got onto this blog, I opened up the computer and the page popped up with a sticky note saying if you need to get your thoughts out, this page is for you. I've been told not to put too much information on the internet, don't trust anything you see, and yet here I am being encouraged to do so. This is definitely a different world we live in.  I just wish I knew what happened to my friends, I saw one that I apparently still talk to.  She has a child around the same age the youngest one. I found out most of the crew I used to work with all eventually passed away. I mean I used to work at a Legion, most everyone I worked with was twenty to forty years older than myself, it makes sense, I just wish I could have been there to say goodbye. Who knows, I most likely was, I just don't remember. I do with I had my own room, away from everyone, I miss having my own room. I miss my futon, I miss my wall of drawings, I miss my cd's and tapes. I'm not that tech savvy.  I miss seeing at least a familiar face everyday. I don't even have that. This isn't my life. I'm trapped in someone else's life, and I don't know what I can do about it.  So not sure how to feel about this. Maybe if I knew I wasn't alone, maybe other people are having this problem, I at least won't feel so isolated. As far as I can tell this blog thing has been around for years, and has not much traffic, so screaming into void is all I am doing. I guess it's better then nothing, Sigh. If you got this far, thanks for reading.